Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
