The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
