I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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