i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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