just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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