I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just google imaged poop.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
