I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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