Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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