mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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