the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
