I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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