its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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