You don't have asthma, your pregnant
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
