yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
