I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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