I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
