You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
this just has baby written all over it
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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