Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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