I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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