You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
