you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
