Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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