look no pants
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
