I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
