If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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