You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
