Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
