when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
