Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
