Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
