I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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