I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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