what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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