Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
