Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
