I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
