took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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