i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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