You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
