Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
