I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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