I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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