She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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