can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
These tits shall not be calmed
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
