Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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