her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can tuck mytits in my pants
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dicks are not precious.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
