oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
