Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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