Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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