I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
