; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
