"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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