For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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