Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
