I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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