I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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