For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
