Girls should come with a carfax report
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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